Monday, July 25, 2005

Because I don't have nearly enough debt in my life...

I'm beginning to consider attempting to buy a house. I say attempt because I really don't see any way I'll succeed; my credit is so horrendous the Book of the Month Club put a restraining order on me to stop me from contacting them. I'm currently making payments on an imaginary house, aka a student loan, but I thought it would be fun to make payments on a house I could actually live in. It won't be anywhere near as nice as my imaginary one, which is big and purple and self-cleaning and smells like cotton candy, but we gotta take what we can get, right?

Currently we rent from a psychotic redneck who lets vagrants sleep in the space downstairs and comes up on our deck to jump up and down and scream and threaten to evict us when a couple of rocks get moved in the yard. I swear I'm not making that up. So a new domicile is very much desired.

I've never tried to buy a house before. Heck, I've never even had a car loan; every piece of crap car I've ever owned was a cash purchase. So I'm not sure what's involved. I think we go talk to someone named Connie at a place called The Mortgage Company Most Holy, and we make the proper sacrifices and display the proper humility, and then Connie (who is but a Neophyte) will go and bow unto the High Priestess Joan on our behalf, and if Joan deems we are Worthy she will grant us a set amount of Lucre (0% down, hopefully, with a fixed interest rate and cash back at closing) with which to purchase a Place of Residence. If we are deemed Not Worthy I'm not sure what happens. We don't get a house, obviously, and I think there's a flaying in there somewhere, too.

I would like a nice little farmhouse out in the country. I don't want an actual farm, because farms usually have livestock and I've seen livestock before, they stink. The only animals I want on the place are a dog, a cat, and some chickens. For eggs, you know. Protein and whatnot. My husband wants geese and guinea fowl, because they make much better watchdogs than, well, than dogs. Plus there's all the potential hilarity when we see a burglar in panicked flight across the yard with a honking gander in hot pursuit. That's comedy gold, that is. I want a little vegetable garden, and I may try to grow some flowers, but my usual technique with flowers results in "death" rather than "beauty" so I may grow a rock garden instead.

Right now I'd say I have about a 90/10 chance against getting any kind of home loan. Still, I know people who've declared bankruptcy multiple times and they manage to get financing for cars, houses, you name it. I pay my rent on time every month; I'd much rather apply that money to MY house, instead of psycho redneck landlord's house. Worth a try, I suppose. Wish me luck.


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