Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A medical triumph

I'm healthy as a horse, I am. It took two doctor's visits and a round of blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound (during which I learned I have pretty kidneys, pretty ovaries, and a long slender uterus; I'm a little concerned about that ultrasound tech) and a good old Well Woman exam to detemine this, but there's not a bloody thing wrong with me.

Of course, I haven't gotten the results of my pap smear back yet. It's quite possible my cervix has been colonized by hostile alien spore bent on world domination, but if so they're not visible to the naked eye.

What kicked off this latest round of Pony Up The Co-Pay was a trip to the ER after I woke up one afternoon and discovered my back was actively engaged in killing me. Oh, it was being just vicious; I couldn't move. Only liberal quantities of Valium, Flexoril, and Percoset could bring it back under my control. I don't remember much of the next three days, incidentally. My friends tell me I spent some time on the phone, and then they snicker. I really don't want to know.

So anyway, by the time I got back to the doctor (two weeks later) my back didn't hurt anymore. Undaunted, he poked around until he found something that did hurt. My abdomen. He ordered blood tests, pee tests, ultrasounds. Nothing found. I told him I was making a list of everyone I knew and prioritizing them in the order I was going to smack them with a board when I finally snapped, so he gave me some no-kill pills and made me schedule a Well Woman check up.

Today I went in for the Well Woman exam. One of the first things they discovered, during the breast exam, is that I am extremely ticklish. Then I got to climb up into the stirrups and pretend to make a wish while the nurse practitioner went prospecting with a shoe-stretcher and a 3 foot long Q-tip. Then she started poking around on my abdomen and found the same sore spot the doctor had found.

"You know what I think this is?" she said. "A loop of your intestine goes right up by there, and if it's full and you push on it it could cause pain like that."

Yep. After weeks of doctor visits and tests and having blood drawn and peeing in cups, the official diagnosis is that I am full of shit.

My husband tells me that all the time, and he doesn't charge me for it.

Still doesn't explain the back pain, though.